Stay At Mom - part 2 - from a less emotional view

I only have a few minutes, but I wanted to add a few additional comments. First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for the support comments. I know there are tons of women who stay home with their kids and many are super moms, someday I hope to be more like all of you! I wanted to take a minute and add somethings that I have been thinking of since I posted this post. My point was not that I, personally, want recognition for what I do, but more that I want society to recognize the importance of it. I know that women go to work for a lot of reasons. I know that some need to feel the fulfillment of a career, others do it out of necessity to care for their families. I'm not saying that many don't have legitimate reasons for doing it. I have my reasons for staying home. I will share a few of those but I wanted to add that all reasons aside, we live in a society where we are told to be accepting of everyone no matter what - so why does that NOT apply to people trying to do what they think is right?
I said in my last post that staying home with my kids is the "right thing to do." In a world where the line between right and wrong is so blurred you may wonder what I mean by it being "right." So, here are my reasons... My number one reason for staying home is that a prophet of God said, "Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. 'Children are an heritage of the Lord' (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives-mothers and fathers - will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations. The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded on the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activiites. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred reponsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or tother circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed." That's it. A prophet of God told me that it is my responsibility to care for the children, to nurture them. I can't think of a way to do that except to be WITH them.
I have a degree in psychology. It doesn't mean much, except for the fact that I took a bunch of classes in college and I focussed a lot of them on children and development. One of the things I learned there is that children attach themselves to their primary caregiver. This is the strongest bond created that allows the child to feel safe and secure and aids in proper development. There is a bond that is between parent and child, no matter the daily routine, but the greater bond is between child and primary caregiver. I imagine that if you send your child off to a daycare center, where there are several providers who switch off, the child will fail to attach to anyone and this can have developmental consequences because their physical needs are met, but not many of their emotional needs. If you send the child to someone's home, where there is one provider but lots of children, the child will bond to that provider but not necessarily have all of their emotional needs met. If you have a babysitter, nanny, au pair, etc. come into your home, this is ideal because the child will bond to the provider and usually have more of his or her emotional needs met. In this case, parents will be seen as an authority figure, but not a secure bond, like when I send my kids off to school, they have a similar bond with their teacher. Now what happens to a child who forms this bond with a caregiver and then the provider goes to a different daycare center, the nanny leaves for college, or the parents find a cheaper option? The child will morn a loss, because it's like having a parent die. Then they attach to the next caregiver and it all happens again. I don't think it's fair to the child and not something that they should be put through. My point is that when I say I'm doing the right thing, I mean it's the best choice for my children - or any children. No one can argue that a day care center is AS GOOD AS having a parent stay home. My biggest pet peeve is that people have children with no intention of raising them. It is not the job of a babysitter or the school to teach personal morality. I had an experience this last Spring that I think speaks volumes and makes my point perfectly. I was at the playground with my kids and talking with a friend. At the same park there were 2 nannies who had come to talk while the kids they watched played. One of the boys had brought his bike to ride around the track. This boy, probably around 5 or 6, brought his bike over near me and rode very slowly towards me, he ran into my leg with his bike. I thought maybe he had done it on accident so I ignored him. He then backed his bike up and ran into me again. I looked over my shoulder and saw that the nanny was looking in my general direction but was still talking to her friend. I was annoyed. I softly asked the boy not to run into me again. I watched as the boy backed up and came right towards me again. I was now angry. I leaned down, grabbed his bike and firmly said, "Stop! It is rude and inappropriate to run into people with your bike. You need to stop NOW. Do not do it again." I felt like putting him in timeout, but knew that would never work, I then turned around and saw that the nanny wasn't even watching - it made me angry. I was about to find out who he was and knock on his door to talk to his parents, but he didn't run into me again, so I let it go. If the mom had been there, I am confident that I would not have needed to discipline him. It's late and I need to go to bed so I will leave with this: I agree that there are some women that it would not be better for them to be around their children all day long - it's certainly not easy and not for everyone - those are the families that should consider having a stay at home dad.

My thoughts on being a stay at home mom

I was recently visiting this website and thought that her opening comments echoed my own thoughts. Then, I began thinking about what exactly ARE my thoughts about motherhood and staying at home. I am disappointed when people immediately look down on me because I don't have a job. Apparently, you can't have respect in our society without a career (or a job at McDonalds, both get better responses than being a stay at home mom). I have a job, in fact, I have several. All of them more important that working at McDonalds AND than having a high-income job. The difference is that I don't get paid. A year ago December, I was talking to 2 women who worked at the elementary school. One was expecting her first grandchild and the other her first child. I, too, was expecting - our 4th. The turned to the topic of when the one was going to come back from maternity leave. She said it would be the 3 months offered by the school. I smiled and said, "unless you take one look at that sweet baby and decide you can't ever leave his side, you may never come back." She turned and in a tone that I will never forget but can not be portrayed properly in writing said, "I would never do THAT." The tone was filled with disdain, as if she was saying, "why would I ever lower myself to do THAT kind of thing." I felt attacked, even a little embarrassed and completely not sure what to say. Without trying to sound hurt, I simply said, "Well, I can't imagine letting anyone else see my children take their first steps, say their first words, or any of the other magical moments in their lives." The older one then said, "Oh, well, we working moms tell the babysitters not to tell us when they do those things, just to let us discover it for ourselves so we think it's the first time." Conversation was over and I left feeling a little lost, even a bit defeated. I'm right here, I know I am, so why am I the one that feels bad or wrong? It's the same with everything else in our society, it's backwards (that's another long topic altogether). Well, I'm tired of feeling old fashioned and being told that somehow I'm inferior because I choose to take care of my own children and don't get paid for it. I'm not out to be the most spectacular homemaker in the world (like Stacy) or my kids' coach for every sport on the planet (likeLauren) or a fantastic gourmet cook (like Alexia) or a SuperMom (like Anne) or a perfect house keeper (like just about ALL the other moms I know). My kids will likely have fond memories of me being stressed out because our house was too messy, them not being able to find clothes because the clean ones were piled high on the couch, not yet folded and put away, and that dinner consisted of veggie pasta with cheese dumped on it quickly. They will likely have lots of memories of me at the computer, sending emails, doing church assignments, and checking facebook :) . I know they will remember me getting angry and yelling at them to the point that I have to put myself in time out. I know that their memories won't always be fond ones, but they will ALL have me in them. I will be here when they leave for school, I will be here when they get back. My kids will not always have a clean house but they will always know that I love them. Which brings me to my jobs. What is a mother for? My job is to make sure that I produce moral productive members of society. There's no advanced training, other than a briefing in the hospital of how to keep the baby alive and clean. In my case, I have received on the job training which has included how to take apart and put back together just about everything in the house and I believe I can now withstand any sort of torture known to mankind. I have learned a great many useful things such as: no home should be without duct tape and spackle, no one in their right mind should ever buy Sharpies or crayons, any important document can become scratch paper in a matter of seconds, some things are REALLY easy to flush down the toilet, other things aren't so easy to flush, and most of all, that life just isn't fair, but it is fairly just. Why do I choose to stay home with my kids? Because it's the right thing to do, and because I get paid in hugs and kisses - who can beat that?

Marissa, don't be shy!

Sometimes, people read blogs and don't leave comments. That's fine if you don't have anything to say, but if you do want to comment, then go ahead. As a note: Even though, I am having issues with spammed comments, I am still keeping my blog and comments public. I love comments and hope that you will feel comfortable leaving them. I have gone to comment moderation, so I will have to approve your comments, but please don't be shy!! I like knowing who is stopping by for a peek. I'm sorry I haven't been publishing lately, but I do still have 4 kids, 2 callings, 1 house, and 1 husband. I'm a little tired and a little busy!! Hope to hear from you soon!!

Worry Ghost

I still need to blog about the lake and I promise to do that soon. I wanted to write about the Worry Ghost before I forgot. It all started a week and a half ago at Family Home Evening. Dave taught a lesson about keeping certain things out of our house. He was talking specifically about what they watch on TV and why Mommy and Daddy have rules about it. He told the kids that we want to keep our house free from bad things so the Holy Ghost can come into our home. He mentioned keeping the house clean as another way to invite the Spirit. This week at FHE, Dave was out of town and I taught the lesson about how the Holy Ghost can help us to feel happy, but He can't come into our home if it is really messy and dirty. Being messy distracts us and makes it hard for us to feel the Spirit and it makes Mommy feel anxious and that isn't happy for anyone. Last night, we were getting ready to go pick Jaclyn up from the airport and I told the kids we needed to clean up to get ready for her to come. They picked up the toys in the family room (mostly) and went in the other room to get my shoes on so we could leave. Miana followed me.

M: Mom, the Worry Ghost is coming.
Me: The Worry Ghost?
M: Yes, he is coming.
Me: Do you mean the Holy Ghost?
M: Yes, the Holy Ghost. He is coming to our house.
Me: What is He going to do here?
M: He is going to break stuff.
Me: Miana, the Holy Ghost is nice, he's not going to break anything. He comes here to help us be safe and feel happy.
M: Mom... I so sorry, but the Worry Ghost is not coming here, he is with his family.
Me: He's with his family?
M: Yes, he's with his family and is not coming here.
Me: Oh, I see.

That was pretty much the end of the conversation. She was really cute and I loved seeing how her brain works. Apparently, she was really worried about this ghost coming here. That night, when we got home she looked around the house and said, "He didn't come. Mom, the Worry Ghost was not here." This morning, when she woke up, I opened the door to her room and she said, "The Worry Ghost is coming to help us clean up." :) I just smiled. At least she's not afraid of him any more!

New Calling

Today I was sustained (and set apart) as the Young Women's Secretary in my ward. I'm excited to work with the other leaders and get to know all of the young women. This will be my third time serving in a YW's organization. In January or February of 2000, when I was newly married, I was called as the Ward Girl's Camp Director. In March or April, they decided to call me as the First Counselor in YWs. I held both callings until after camp at the end of June. We moved out of that ward in December. In the next ward, I was called into YWs in late 2004 as the Personal Progress Specialist. The ward boundaries changed soon after and I was in a newly created ward. I was immediately called as the Beehive Advisor. In August of 2005, we moved out of that ward.
Today, while being set apart, I was blessed that I would be able to share the experiences that I had while in the Herndon Ward as a Young Woman and the other experiences I have had in my other YW callings to make a difference in the lives of these Young Women. This hit me hard! I felt so strongly that I do have something to share from my own experiences. I also remember that he said that I would be blessed to love and appreciate the wonderful YW that I will work with. I am so excited to get started and be a part of this wonderful organization!!
--PS-- I am keeping my other calling until they can find someone to replace me but I am having a hard time thinking about giving it up! I am the Cub Scout Committee Chair and I LOVE cub scouts!! I need to dedicate my time to the YWs program so I can't do both. I believe very strongly that if you are in a Presidency, that needs to be your only calling, so I know it's time to let go, but I am really sad about it. --

Hard day and worth every second

In describing my experience at the store this morning I said, "I had to pinch her to make her cry, because crying in pain was better than having her do what she was doing before." Yup. It's true. First Miana refused to sit in the cart and with 2 other kids in the cart, I allowed her to walk. She did fine for the first 2 aisles where she stood on the front of the cart. Then she decided to actually walk (or rather run). She started climbing on boxes (it was shelf restocking day) and I told her that if she ran off again or climbed on anything, she would have to ride in the cart. We went to the next aisle and there was big dolly/cart thing that had a couple boxes on it, she ran to it and climbed on. I picked her up and put her in the cart and she immediately started screaming. Finally, she started yelling actual words. "I can't sit down, it doesn't fit for me!" Fit for me is her way of saying she doesn't fit somewhere or something doesn't fit her. Anyway, I cleared a space for her and showed her how to sit down in it, she refused and stood there screaming for 2 more aisles. Then she yelled, "it's falling on me, it's all falling on me!" for the next 3-4 aisles. She then got angry and pushed all of the food into a big pile in the cart with the salad and bananas at the bottom and sat down on top of them. We went to check out and she was still yelling and screaming and whining. I sat her down and the cart and pinched her leg so that she would stop. She sat down and quietly cried and rubbed her leg. I didn't really hurt her, I barely even pinched, it was just enough to get her to stop yelling. I finally got out of the store just to have Miana yell and scream in the parking lot and cry all of the way home - why? Because her shoe fell off. Yes, her shoe fell off so we should yell and scream for 10 minutes. I got home, put her shoe back on because she wouldn't get out of the car with it off. The next 5 minutes went like this: I took Tayla into the house, opened the back of the van, Tayla came out of the house and was running down the driveway, I chased her, put her back in the house, tried to give a bag of groceries to Miana who dropped them on the ground yelling, "it's too heavy!", then I chased Tayla down the driveway again, put her back in the house (at this point we still have not gotten any groceries into the house), I then gave a bag to Carter who started into the house but couldn't get past Miana who was just standing in front of the stairs to the house, I then took the last 6 bags of groceries out, loaded them on my arms, and told her to move, Carter then pushed past her and although he didn't hurt her or knock her down, she fell to the ground crying and wouldn't move, I about dropped the groceries, went out of the garage and through the front of the house so that I could get inside and get the first of the groceries in. I still don't know if all of the bags ever made it into the house. I went out to the garage and shut the door so Miana could only come into the house or stay there. When she saw that I wasn't going to get her, she stopped crying and simply walked into the house. All of this was made worse by the fact that Dave is in Cincinnatti so I knew I wouldn't get any help at all. I was done being a parent by 10am. At 11am my mom stopped by, she couldn't stay long but just having another adult made it so I could make it to nap time and feel like I could be a good mom again. It was a long day, but as hard as it felt at the time, it ended with my oldest child leaving the house for a few minutes and saying, "Don't worry, Mom. I will be back soon to hug you!" He is a good boy and really helps me make it through the tough times! Miana and I are once again friends. I have gotten over the morning stress and moved on. I love my kids and hate when it all feels too hard to handle. I'm grateful for little moments that make everything better!!!

Spencer's lesson

I hesitate to post this on such a public place, but as I do use this as my personal journal and record of what goes on in our lives, I feel it was necessary. Although it was personal for him, it is a moment that has brought me great joy as a mother and I wanted to share my joy and not just focus on the funny or unfortunate things that happen to us.
A week ago Spencer and I were working on his Faith In God book. Faith in God is a program at church for 8-12 year olds. There is a book with goals/assignments that help children learn and grow spiritually. The 8-11yr. old boys can use some of the items in the book to earn their Religious Emblem for cub scouts. Spencer and I work on these items on Sunday afternoons. One of the items was to tell the Joseph Smith story in your own words and talk about prayer. Spencer decided that he would teach Family Home Evening the following day and teach about J.S. On Monday night, he told the story and it went very well. Afterwards, he came up to me and said, "Mom, ever since I taught about Joseph Smith, I just feel so good! I want to do good things, I want to help people, I want to be nice." I explained that what he was feeling was the Holy Ghost and that it was trying to tell him that what he had talked about was a good thing and was true. After we spoke, he was so excited that he ran over to Dave in the other room to tell him that he was feeling the Spirit. He was on cloud 9 for several days and after a few days he came to me and said, "Mom, I just can't wait until I get to give a talk again because I want to feel the Spirit again!" I told him that he could teach FHE again the next Monday, which he did last night. He is growing to be such a wonderful young man and I feel that he will do great things in his life. I am lucky to have him and honored to be his mom!