Journal Entry: Rage

I appologize ahead of time if this is lengthly and boring, but I needed to get my feelings down before I forgot.

On Sunday, our lesson in RS was on Prayer. Kristi did an amazing job in leading the discussion and keeping the comments focused. One of her first questions was: What are some of the things that you pray for in your morning prayer? This question, and it's answers, caught me off guard. It has been sometime since I have said a morning prayer, I usually use the blessing on my cereal as a chance to pray in the morning. I only wake up when there is a child with a pressing need or when my alarm goes off, indicating that I need to rush, rush, rush to get everyone ready for school. Therefor, during the lesson, I was impressed by the number of women who said morning prayers and by the things that they thought to pray for. The 2 that stand out in my mind were patience and wanting to know God's will. I thought, "If I stopped to pray for patience in the morning, I might actually have some during the day." Later that afternoon, our home teacher came and the message this month was on Prayer. We had a nice conversation about it and in my mind I vowed to do better at saying morning and evening prayers and express more gratitude.

Monday morning, I woke up with a feeling of annoyance at everything. It is difficult to explain. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, I was just annoyed at everything. Miana dumped crackers in my garage, ran out to the car with no shoes or coat on (it was about 27 degrees), Carter was a bit whiney (nothing new there, he's going through a horrible whine phase), I forgot some things and had to go back in the house 3 times before finally being ready to take Carter to school, Miana wouldn't get in the car, she ran around to the other side so I couldn't catch her and ran circles around it as I chased her, I finally got her in the car and she was whiney (again, nothing new, she whines in the morning and most evenings). She didn't want to get out of the car when we got to Carter's school and I had to drag her in, then she wanted a drink at the water fountain (she does this everyday, completely soaking herself), then I had to drag her up the stairs to Carter's class, then drag her back down after signing him in, walking past the drinking fountain, where she needed to stop again. I was then annoyed by the fact that baby was sitting on my bladder and I had to stop in the bathroom at the school, even though I just went before leaving the house, 15 minutes before. Miana climbed under the stall door and was doing who knows what while I sat there helplessly on the toilet. I finally got her out to the car and just had this overwhelming feeling of annoyance. I sat there for a minute and realized that I needed help. I began to pray out loud for patience, and either for the feeling to go away or to have help coping with it. Within a few minutes of ending my prayer I felt completely at peace. I felt no aggravation when Miana kept standing up in the cart at Costco or when she was trying to open every package. I had a really great morning and afternoon.

That afternoon, Spencer came home, he did his homework and he was off to play. A few minutes later he was inside the house and had a friend with him, he asked if he could go downstairs and I said no. They went outside and came back in and immediately went downstairs. I called them up the stairs, but knowing that I was on the phone, they then headed up the stairs to the top floor. I called them down and told them to go outside. They were only up there for about 4 minutes. This incident wasn't a big deal until later that night at bedtime, but we'll get to that later. After dinner, I asked Spencer how his pants got wet and he began to tell me a story about running and sliding on the wet grass. I told him that I knew that wasn't how it happened and he said, "Oh. Okay." Then he told me how it really happened. The real story was an accident and he would have never gotten in trouble for it, I simply told him to be more careful next time, then I told him that wasn't in trouble for doing that but that he was in trouble for lying to me. His first reaction was to lie to me, this upset me. I dished out punishment, he lost the use of a new toy. I then had to take the trash out to the curb. In the garage I noticed that Carter's brand new bike had the training wheels taken off. I told Spencer very clearly last week that he was not allowed to touch the training wheels (he had already taken one off and got in trouble for it). This is why I absolutely lost it when I saw the training wheels sitting in the garage next to the bike with nuts and brackets, that hold them on, nowhere in sight. He had disobeyed me, AGAIN. I had no control over my emotions and I screamed at that little boy. He was 7 years old and should know to make sure not to loose parts. I made him go out in the cold garage and look for the missing pieces, we found one nut and one bracket. I told him that he would not be allowed to play with friends on Tuesday until he found the missing pieces, even if it meant cleaning out the whole garage to find them. We then did reading time, Miana hit me on the head with a plastic boomerang that does not belong to us that I have asked the boys several times to return to it's owner. It made me angry because if they had listened to me and returned it, she wouldn't have been able to hit me with it, the bruise is still very tender. It was bedtime, we went upstairs and as I entered the boys' room, I saw a huge wet spot on the bottom bed. They had dumped water on the bed 3-4 hours earlier when they were playing in the room (remember, they were only up there for about 4 minutes). I really lost it. I screamed at him and then started to cry. I simply said, "obviously, Mommy needs a timeout, I'll be back." I left the room, put Miana to bed and came back just in time to hear Spencer finish his prayer. He quietly stood up and said, "Mom, I know what I need to do to help you. I need to make you breakfast in bed." I was still pretty upset, so my first thought was - and no, I didn't say this out loud- "no! Then you will make a mess in the kitchen and wake me up before I have to get up!!!" What I said was, "That's very nice, but not very helpful. I need you to help me do something that I need done, like cleaning up something, maybe as a surprise for me!" Then Carter whispered loudly, "Spencer, we could go down in the morning and clean up before she wakes up." I told them that I thought that was good idea and then I spoke quietly to Spencer. I told him that I was sorry and that I should not have yelled so much at him. I told him that he made some bad choices that he needed to be punished for and that he would not be allowed to play with friends the next day. I told him that Mommy did not do the right thing by screaming and that I loved him and did not like yelling at him. He seemed okay so we said good night. I was still shaken by the whole thing, so I went downstairs and just cried. My emotions were completely out of control. The anger was still festering, as was frustration - both for his actions and my reactions. I knelt down and prayed and cried and prayed and cried and prayed. I told Heavenly Father that I just didn't know how else to help Spencer understand and that I HATED how I felt. Anger is the most horrible feeling ever. It took me a while to calm down, but eventually I did. I truly felt sorrow for how I acted and prayed that I would be able to talk to Spencer and get his forgiveness, without having him feel that his actions were in any way acceptable. I worry that by backing down he will some how get the impression that I was wrong and that he can do whatever he wants. I am afraid that is how we got to this place where we are now. I spoke to Dave and told him my plans for punishment and we agreed what would be appropriate.
Wednesday morning: I could hear the boys running around, being loud downstairs. This bothers me because they wake up Miana and then I don't get my shower before getting everyone off to school. At 6:36, my door opened to 2 smiling boys. Spencer walked happily up to my bed and said softly, "Mommy... we made you breakfast in bed." He handed me a plate with 2 pieces of cinnamon toast on it. I thanked him and he quietly went back downstairs. I ate the toast, took a shower, came downstairs to get Spencer's lunch together and get his clothes. After I got his lunch and found him clothes, I knelt down and prayed. I got his backpack together, we found his shoes and coat, and he was ready for school. I said, "Before you go, we have something very important to do... we need to have a family prayer before you go to school." Both boys looked at me and said, "Why?" Nice. I have been a horrible example. I offered a prayer that Spencer would be safe on his way to school, that he would be able to have good behavior all day, and that we would all be able to show each other our love. I kissed Spencer, told him that I loved him, and sent him off to school. I am still feeling that annoyance that I had yesterday morning, but I feel I am better able to cope. I am grateful for the Lord's gentle reminder to pray the day before I needed to pray the most. I hope we can continue to pray as a family in the morning in addition to our own personal prayers. I hope that my hormones (yes, I believe they are mostly the cause of the out of control feeling I have) will settle soond. Just 4 weeks and 1 day more... Then I get to deal with all of the post partum problems... bring it on!